"What I Really Need Is This..."

Beth and I were seated at dinner during one of our recent “date nights”.  It’s one of our special times where we can sit and enjoy some quiet time together (without kids) and actually complete a thought and a sentence or two! Anyway, during dinner she discussed that she had been doing some recent reading/thinking and thought that it would be a good idea to share with me a list of things that she had developed that she feels she needs from me.

She was quick to respond with the fact that she was not doing this because I was not fulfilling these needs in her life, rather she just wanted to reiterate how important these things were to her.  The list was not long…five things in fact.  During the course of the discussion, she read them to me.  I must say that as many times as we have discussed our marriage with one another, this will go down as one of the more memorable times. 

Beth was actually laying out a set of needs that she required of me to feel happy and secure in the many roles she plays in her life. These needs ranged from parenting to spousal and from personal to professional needs.  None of them were unreasonable…just her needs. Again, she reiterated that she was not bringing these things up because I had not been fulfilling these things.  She felt it was important for me to know what these needs were and to give me an opportunity to hit the mark more accurately.

Now, deep down I probably already knew to a degree what these needs were. However, her listing them out and describing them in more detail (and in her own words) really brought some clarity to me and made me really aware of them.  It made me realize the importance of some of my actions while it also made me realize the non-importance of some of my other actions. In other words, while I may have been doing some good things in our marriage, these good things weren’t as important to her as others.

I felt has if Beth had given me a road map to help build her up or “nourish” her as I am charged to do in Ephesians 5:29-33. All too often, spouses assume that their husband or wife knows what their needs are and expects those needs to be met.  Wives, I encourage you to take some time and list out some realistic needs of your husband.  Set some time aside to discuss those needs.  Praise him for the areas for which he shows strength and demonstrate in a loving way where he may be missing the mark.  This approach will work far greater than allowing him to assume what your needs are and have him fall way short only because “he should know what my needs are because we’ve been married long enough”!

Husbands, I encourage you to do the same.  Give praise to your wives where they deserve it and describe in a loving way where you feel a specific need is not being met. Approach these discussions with a loving tone, understanding that both of you are probably missing the mark to some degree.  It is not a time to judge, but rather a time to open up a new realm of communication and to enable you both to dig deeper into the needs of your marriage. You will be amazed at the results!